Resolution

by Adam Finley

Consider this: “Resolve” is a type of carpet stain
remover, and carpet stains are quite frequent around New Year's. Is
there something in “Resolve” that can actually make your carpet high?
And has it found a way to plant the word “resolve” into your mind so
that you purposely spill your Irish Red Delicious Apple Vodka; or your
Dizzy Spelunker; or your White Kentucky Haberdasher; or your 12 oz.
bottle of Felix Noelle and Son's Parisian Sun-Grown Celery Wine; or your
Mrs. Butterworth's All-Purpose Maple Rum? Doesn't this prove just how
much fun it is to make up names for drinks?

Yes, they did.

The
Chinese have their New Year's in February. Since they exist in the
future, they are far more advanced than we are in many ways, but
especially in the realm of carpet sobriety. This year I took a lesson
from the Chinese and chose not to make any resolutions. I also now look
upon my carpet as a living organism unaffected by alcohol, but
fiendishly addicted to Resolve Carpet Stain Remover, necessitating a
once-a-year hypnotizing of the human race. So while I'm not making any
resolutions this year, I'd like to think I'm a bit wiser than I was one
year ago.

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