Lab Results: Love Potions One Through Eight

by Adam Finley

One

One drop each was administered to three lab mice. Some minor ocular bleeding
was detected. One female eventually clawed own eyes out. Remaining mice
showed signs of discomfort, but returned to normal within a six-hour period, although blind.

Two

Human subjects were brought in for testing: a white 19-year-old female from a
local college, and a white 33-year-old unemployed male. Previous testing
result was not shared with these individuals. Each person consumed
approximately three ounces of the substance. Female noticed the
turpentine additive, which, mixed with our own extracted spinal fluid,
should have halted both the ocular bleeding and eventual blindness.
Female subject complained of blurred vision and spent the duration
pounding the back of her head, explaining that if she could only “grasp
the veins in the back of my eyes and yank them into my skull” she would
be able to douse them in her cranial fluid and see again. Male subject
was given a placebo. Time of death of female subject: 7:02 p.m.

Three

Until we are able to devise a more tactful way of describing the results of
this test for the scientific community and the curious public in general, we must refer to what occurred between our three subjects –a six-month-old castrated Golden Retriever; a twenty-year-old Hispanic male; and an organically-grown Red Delicious apple– as “mutual rape.” The canine was treated for some minor abrasions. Human subject was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery after inhaling a small amount of apple peel. The apple itself was eventually crushed and pronounced dead at exactly 2:03 a.m., after regurgitating a black substance of oatmeal-like consistency.

Four

We have lost a substantial portion of our staff based on religious and ethical
qualms brought on by a few of the drug’s minor side effects. The
remaining scientists have chosen to persevere. A female subject was
injected with ten CCs and placed in a room with a male North American
Grizzly Bear. Human subject showed obvious signs of sexual arousal and
no regard for her own safety. The bear was safely muzzled but did manage
to manually disembowel the human subject. We have reached a threshold
in our research and are willing to ignore this obvious lack of foresight.

Five

We applied a small amount of the drug to the arms of an anonymous inmate from the local penitentiary. The subject became visibly aroused at the sight of other human beings, and requested a small paring knife with which to whittle
his “manhood” down to sub-atomic size so he could “make sweet love to
every molecule in God’s universe.” We obliged. Time of death: 3:27 p.m.

Six

It’s been ten months, but we were finally able to pinpoint the chemical
(currently our “Love Potion” consists of well-over seven hundred
chemicals) that caused certain lapses in judgment among our test
subjects. This new drug was brought to a boil via Bunsen burners and
inhaled by one of our technicians. Subject was clearly enamored by both
male and female tactile contact and showed signs of bliss and utter
contentment. Within two hours of inhaling the drug, the subject’s pores
began to widen, resulting in bloody, gaping holes that eventually
consumed one another, in effect causing the subject’s skin to disappear
from his body.

Seven

Added a teaspoon of vanilla.

Eight

Federal agents, along with local law enforcement, raided our lab early this
morning. I was able to escape with written reports from the last two
years. The state government has shut down our operation and several
staff members have been brought up on charges of manslaughter and gross
negligence. I am making one last attempt to perfect the Love Potion,
which I will then release to undercover operatives in the pharmaceutical
trade, many of whom have been posing as Gypsies to prevent detection. I
am unwilling to test the current version of the drug on myself, so I’ve
been forced to venture out after dark and capture squirrels in a
cardboard box. While mice are genetically similar to humans, I have not
been able to locate any, thus the less desirable alternative. To further
complicate my research, I am now experiencing the first stages of
rabies: shortness of breath, stomach pain, sore back, and vomiting. I am
unwilling to risk seeking medical treatment and showing myself in
public, so time is woefully short. I am adamant about achieving my goal
of concocting a love potion, and will fight off the depression,
paranoia, and insatiable desire to end my own life until my goal is
reached, after which I will sever my carotid artery with a broken shot
glass.

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