Magic Secrets Revealed: The Underwater Escape

by Adam Finley

What you'll need:

Straight jacket
Chains
Tank of water
Flesh-eating bacteria
Towels

In
this trick, a magician is bound in a straight jacket, wrapped in
chains, and placed into a tank of water. He then escapes before he runs
out of air. In order to accomplish this feat, some pre-planning is
necessary: one month before you perform the trick, grow a colony of
anaerobic flesh-eating bacteria in your kitchen and apply the bacteria
directly to your arms, legs, and torso. You should also tell your
assistants you've decided to take up a new form of meditation called
“screaming and crying” in order to hide all the actual screaming and
crying that is a natural part of microscopic organisms devouring your
flesh. Also, wear long sleeves and a mask if possible, so as to cover
your exposed muscle tissue and flaps of skin that by this point should
be falling off your body like fleshy flower petals. On the day of your
escape, have one of your assistants explain your trick to the crowd
while your other assistants place you in the straight jacket and wrap
the chains around you. Once inside the tank, the straight jacket and
chains should easily slide off your decaying body. It is common for
extra skin to come off during this time, but this can be hidden with a
towel when you emerge. The main point is not to accidentally tear your
face off. This will not give away your secret, per se, but it does look
unprofessional.

The genius of this used to be that the performer
would die immediately afterward, thus keeping the trick cloaked in
secrecy. It was also common practice for the magician's assistants to
bash themselves in the head with large rocks until they could no longer
remember how the trick was performed. On rare occasions, the entire
gathering crowd would be slaughtered by the assistants to preserve the
integrity of the trick. This spectacle would be viewed from afar by
gathering villagers, who would in turn shoot themselves in the face with
a musket. However, in this modern and more enlightened age, it is
enough for the magician to sacrifice themselves for the trick, and then
return as a half-decayed spirit with a direct psychic conduit to Satan,
the patron saint of all magic.

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