The Worst News Of 2006

by Brian Lewandowski

“Best and Worst Week” continues here at PBJ. Today Brian Lewandowski gives up the worst news of the past year.

***

Worst News for Cannibals: Harry Whittington is hunted and shot by Dick Cheney. He doesn’t die.

Worst
News for Parents Trying to Keep Their Daughters Off the Pole: Disney’s
Cheetah Girls tour the country and pre-teen girls learn to dress
suggestively and dance on a stage to throbbing electronic music.

Worst
News for Collectors of Fine and Rare Glues: Kentucky Derby winner
Barbaro breaks his leg, almost dies, survives, almost dies, survives,
almost dies and ultimately survives. He is put out to stud with Harry
Whittington.

Worst News for Ass Lovers: Farrah Fawcett puts the
“can” back in cancer. Ex-hubby Ryan O’Neal tells the media she has been
diagnosed with cancer of the anus.

Worst News for Our Galaxy:
Scientists fear a major vacuous black hole is nearby; Brittany Spears
begins hanging out with Paris Hilton.

Worst News for Grass
Getting to Grow Taller: Advocates call for a day long work stoppage by
illegal immigrants in protest to recent Congressional attacks on that
growing population… but nobody calls in sick or shows up.

Worst
News for Irony: Recovered Edvard Munch painting, stolen from Oslo museum
is so badly damaged that it may not be able to be repaired. Art
historians everywhere just want to “scream.”

Worst News for the
Left: Democrats could lose newly won control of the Senate after Senator
Tim Johnson of South Dakota falls ill. Trying to put a positive spin on
it, Democratic leaders point out it’s just one stroke and it wasn’t
from a Congressional page.

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