Racist Jokes

by Adam Finley

Q: How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One.

***

A
Korean man, a Mexican man, and an Indian man walk into a pet store.
They each wish to purchase a pet, but they're not sure what they want so
they ask the owner for help. The owner looks at the Korean and says,
“You must be Korean. My best friend is from Korea and she loves cats.”
The owner reaches into a cage and pulls out a small dog and hands it to
the Korean man.

Next, he turns to the Mexican and says, “I see
you're Mexican. They have many lizards in Mexico, so I think you'd have a
great rapport with an iguana.” The owner steps into the back for a
moment and comes out with a plastic bag full of water with a single
goldfish inside and hands it to the Mexican.

Finally, he turns to the Indian: “Ah, clearly you're from India. I think you'd like a–“

“Wait,”
interrupts the Indian, “you said my Korean friend would like a cat, and
you gave him a dog. You told my Mexican friend here he'd be happy with
an iguana, and yet you handed him a goldfish. I don't understand.”

“Oh,”
the owner replied, “both my children drowned in their wading pool
yesterday while I was on hold with customer service concerning a faulty
lawn mower part I purchased online. I guess I'm a little preoccupied.”

***

A midget walks into the office of a circus ringmaster and says, “buddy, have I got a show for you!”

Intrigued, the ringmaster says, “well, what is it?”

The
midget opens his coat and pulls out a rabbit. He places the animal on
the floor and begins to tap his foot. The ringmaster stares dumbfounded
as the rabbit sings a ditty to the tune of “Jingle Bells:”

“Kill midgets!
Kill midgets!
Choke them in their sleep!
Stab those tiny little fucks and bash their fucking skulls!”

“That's amazing!” the ringmaster gasps, “but how could you teach him such an offensive song?”

“Oh, he writes his own material,” the midget says.

“But you're a midget, and he's singing about killing you!”

“Jesus
Christ, I could make millions of dollars with this rabbit!” the midget
exclaims, “I think I can ignore his racism if it means that kind of
money for my wife and kids. It's called 'picking your battles,' you
narrow-minded asshole.”

***

A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar together and sit down.

“Hello, gentlemen,” says the bartender.

“Hello,” says the priest, “we were wondering if you could solve an argument for us.”

“Okay,” says the bartender.

“Well,”
the priest continues, “my friend here believes priests should be
allowed to have sex. I say that's against the rules of my church.”

The bartender looks at the rabbi and says, “Is that your view?”

“Well,
I was giving him a handjob the other night, and I figured taking it to
the next level wouldn't be a problem for him,” the rabbi says.

“Wait,” the bartender says, “you two are gay?”

“No, we're not gay,” says the rabbi, “but my left hand is gay, and his penis is gay.”

The bartender considers this for a moment and asks the priest, “Well, is your penis also a priest like the rest of you?”

“Of course not,” the priest says, “a penis can't eat a communion wafer.”

“What if you ground the wafer into a powder and forced it into your penis using a small hose?” the rabbi asks.

“And allow a gay penis priest into my church?” the priest says angrily, “Over my dead body!”

“Well,
you could stand at the door of the church with your penis hanging
outside and yell your sermon into the church while I blow the wafer
crumbs into your penis from outside,” the rabbi says.

The priest considers this for a moment and then looks at the bartender and exclaims, “Hey! You're Puerto Rican!”

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