A Hollywood Story In Which All The Names Have Been Changed To Cartoon Characters To Protect Them From Gossip-Hungry, Net-Savvy Rag Mags

by Paul Davidson

Betty Rubble was trolling for free drinks again. I’d seen Betty out at Sunset Boulevard bars before — but this time she could barely hold onto the edge of the bar, swaying with the bar as if it was riding out an earthquake classified as an 8.5 on the Richter.

Her friend, Smurfette was sitting on Quick Draw McGraw’s lap over in the couch area. But Betty, well, she hungrily watched as single guys walked by — trying to catch each of their eyes and then asking them (when they took the bait), if they wanted to buy her a drink.

After watching this successful little ploy work for Betty Rubble many many times, that 8.5 was quickly becoming a 12.9. She was holding on for dear life.

Of course, Smurfette was oblivious to Betty Rubble’s plight, and was getting it on with Quick Draw to the point of people actually yelling “Get a room!” But drunk celebrities, well, it’s the only time in their lives when they don’t worry about being seen, being photographed, and being gossiped about. As for Betty Rubble, she was beyond that. Of course, little did she know — but her white knight was about to rescue her from the ridicule she would be receiving in the following day’s Page 6 reports.

That white knight was none other than He-Man.

He-Man approached Betty Rubble and pulled her off her bar stool, pulling her aside and whispering something into her ear that caused Betty to look around the bar as if He-Man had just pointed out that the world was watching her. She reached her hand up to her eyes, covering them. Looked over to Smurfette who was now getting all Bachelorette sloppy on Quick Draw McGraw — and she made a beeline for her extremely animated friend. He-Man followed.

Betty Rubble tapped Smurfette on the shoulder, causing her to exit her lip-lock with Quick Draw McGraw, and pulled her aside as if she’d suddenly become aware of their less-than-stellar appearance here at the Sunset Boulevard establishment. Of course, Quick Draw McGraw was less than pleased that He-Man’s desire to do good here in this place had possibly ruined Quick Draw’s ability to seal the deal later in the evening.

Well, as Smurfette and Betty Rubble were off to the side going on and on about some ridiculous and emotional situation, Quick Draw McGraw’s buddy Mutley approached to find out what was going on. Quick Draw informed Mutley that He-Man had stuck his nose where it didn’t belong, and the two approached He-Man to see if they could intimidate him.

These stars and their egos, I thought, as I watched the whole thing break down.

Well, He-Man just tried to keep things peaceful, but Quick Draw McGraw and Mutley weren’t going to have it. Some strong words were exchanged while Smurfette and Betty Rubble watched on, everyone concerned if there would really be some gossip to share in the morning light. But just as the tension was growing and the bar staff was getting ready to call the cops, He-Man’s wingman showed up.

Apparently, Roger Rabbit was in the bathroom – he was known to have a small bladder. But as soon as Roger Rabbit sidled up alongside He-Man, Quick Draw McGraw and Mutley really didn’t have a leg to stand on. And so, with Betty Rubble and Smurfette watching on, the foursome decided it would be better to back down and leave good enough alone.

The establishment called a cab for Betty Rubble and Smurfette, while He-Man and Roger Rabbit drove off in their gaudy black H3. As for Quick Draw McGraw and Mutley…they scammed on some other clueless ladies, and most likely still reached their goal for the evening.

Egos in Hollywood, folks. Egos in Hollywood.

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