Lab Results: Love Potions One Through Eight

by Adam Finley  

One

One drop each was administered to three lab mice. Some minor ocular bleeding was detected. One female eventually clawed own eyes out. Remaining mice showed signs of discomfort, but returned to normal within a six-hour period, although blind.

Two
 
Human subjects were brought in for testing: a white 19-year-old female from a local college, and a white 33-year-old unemployed male. Previous testing result was not shared with these individuals. Each person consumed approximately three ounces of the substance. Female noticed the turpentine additive, which, mixed with our own extracted spinal fluid, should have halted both the ocular bleeding and eventual blindness. Female subject complained of blurred vision and spent the duration pounding the back of her head, explaining that if she could only “grasp the veins in the back of my eyes and yank them into my skull” she would be able to douse them in her cranial fluid and see again. Male subject was given a placebo. Time of death of female subject: 7:02 p.m.

Three
 
Until we are able to devise a more tactful way of describing the results of this test for the scientific community and the curious public in general, we must refer to what occurred between our three subjects –a six-month-old castrated Golden Retriever; a twenty-year-old Hispanic male; and an organically-grown Red Delicious apple– as “mutual rape.” The canine was treated for some minor abrasions. Human subject was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery after inhaling a small amount of apple peel. The apple itself was eventually crushed and pronounced dead at exactly 2:03 a.m., after regurgitating a black substance of oatmeal-like consistency.

Four
 
We have lost a substantial portion of our staff based on religious and ethical qualms brought on by a few of the drug’s minor side effects. The remaining scientists have chosen to persevere. A female subject was injected with ten CCs and placed in a room with a male North American Grizzly Bear. Human subject showed obvious signs of sexual arousal and no regard for her own safety. The bear was safely muzzled but did manage to manually disembowel the human subject. We have reached a threshold in our research and are willing to ignore this obvious lack of foresight.

Five
 
We applied a small amount of the drug to the arms of an anonymous inmate from the local penitentiary. The subject became visibly aroused at the sight of other human beings, and requested a small paring knife with which to whittle his “manhood” down to sub-atomic size so he could “make sweet love to every molecule in God’s universe.” We obliged. Time of death: 3:27 p.m.

Six
 
It’s been ten months, but we were finally able to pinpoint the chemical (currently our “Love Potion” consists of well-over seven hundred chemicals) that caused certain lapses in judgment among our test subjects. This new drug was brought to a boil via Bunsen burners and inhaled by one of our technicians. Subject was clearly enamored by both male and female tactile contact and showed signs of bliss and utter contentment. Within two hours of inhaling the drug, the subject’s pores began to widen, resulting in bloody, gaping holes that eventually consumed one another, in effect causing the subject’s skin to disappear from his body.

Seven
 
Added a teaspoon of vanilla.

Eight
 
Federal agents, along with local law enforcement, raided our lab early this morning. I was able to escape with written reports from the last two years. The state government has shut down our operation and several staff members have been brought up on charges of manslaughter and gross negligence. I am making one last attempt to perfect the Love Potion, which I will then release to undercover operatives in the pharmaceutical trade, many of whom have been posing as Gypsies to prevent detection. I am unwilling to test the current version of the drug on myself, so I’ve been forced to venture out after dark and capture squirrels in a cardboard box. While mice are genetically similar to humans, I have not been able to locate any, thus the less desirable alternative. To further complicate my research, I am now experiencing the first stages of rabies: shortness of breath, stomach pain, sore back, and vomiting. I am unwilling to risk seeking medical treatment and showing myself in public, so time is woefully short. I am adamant about achieving my goal of concocting a love potion, and will fight off the depression, paranoia, and insatiable desire to end my own life until my goal is reached, after which I will sever my carotid artery with a broken shot glass.

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