Super Bowl XXXVIII: Beer, Boners, and Boobs

by Adam Finley, Brian Lewandowski, and Bob Sassone

Before we get to the commercials, a few words about the pre-game. (Note: I mean the pre-game that started just before the game, not the one that started 37 hours earlier and included Adam Sandler, green slime, and cows interviewing people in hotel rooms). Willie Nelson is beginning to look like the emperor from Return of the Jedi, only with more facial hair…Toby Keith sings the line “whiskey for my man, beer for my horse,” but leaves out the line “wine cooler for my crack-whore…”…Radio Shack: You’ve got questions, we’ve got batteries…Aerosmith opens with a cutesy video of the band on the space shuttle. Really classy thing to do on the one year anniversary of the Columbia disaster…

The commercials:

FIRST HALF
 
by Bob Sassone
 
Ford GT

“Teaser Ad”
“The new Ford GT. The car you will never own.” Grade: C

McDonald’s

“Guy Uses McDonald’s Wrapper In Laundry”
“I’m Lovin’ It” has got to be the worse ad campaign in the history of McDonald’s. Grade: D

Cialis

“Two People In Bathtub Thinkin’ ‘Bout Sex (They’re Lovin It!)”

Who would have thought, say 20 years ago, that there would actually be a competition between medical companies to improve your penis? Grade: C-

Bud Light

“Crotch Dog”

Wimpy dog fetches wimpy owner a wimpy beer. Then the other guy commands his dog to bite the wimpy guy in crotch so he can take it. So this situation comes up enough for the guy to train the dog to bite someone in the crotch? Grade: C

AOL Top Speed

“AOL Is So Damn Powerful Now”

Yeah, I know these guys have a popular cable TV show, but my word, what a terrible series of commercials. Grade: F

Monster

“Find The One You Dig”

Monster.com is a scam. I doubt you’ll find your “dream job” on there because all these jobs are just like the one you have now (or the one you just lost). And “find the one you dig” is just an odd catch-phrase. Grade: C-

Sierra Mist

“Kilt”

Yes, when I think cool refreshment I think of dirty men getting air blown under their kilts. These ads are so…so…EDGY. Grade: C

Miracle movie

“The Nominees For Least Needed To Be Made Movie Are…”

Wasn’t this already a TV-movie years ago? Frightening hairpiece on Kurt Russell. Grade: C- (the ad and I’m guessing the movie too).

Levitra

“Mike Ditka Can’t Get It Up”

Not only is Mike Ditka an immensely annoying person, now he’s doing ads for erectile dysfunction medication. Forget the Pats and Panthers, the real battle today is between all these penis pills. Grade: C-

Pepsi/iTunes

“100 Million Songs”
Pepsi and Apple team up to offer 100 million songs on iTunes.com. Great idea to use one of the kids prosecuted by the music industry in the ad. Grade: B+

Bud Light

“Fart”

Charmin

“End Zone”

Both of these ads rely on teenage-level bathroom humor to get their point across. But at least Charmin actually has something to do with the bathroom. The Bud Light ad? Yeah, when I (again) want cool refreshment, I’m going to think of a horse farting into my Bud. If I drank Bud. Grades: Bud Light: F. Charmin: C

Starsky and Hutch movie

“Please Let This Be A Good Ben Stiller Movie”

This has great potential, since they’re playing it for laughs. But the ad really doesn’t really convey that. I’m worried. Grade: C

Chevy

“Soap Kids”

I actually laughed at this commercial. Out loud. Kids get soap in their mouth for saying “holy shit” when they see the new Chevy. Bonus points: one of the kids is that silent kid from the Linux ads. Now we know why he doesn’t talk: soap! Grade: A-

Lays

“Seniors Battle For Chips”

The ads are on a roll, if you count two good ads in a row “a roll.” Old people battle for chips. Good ad for two reasons: people love chips and love to see old people fighting and falling down. Grade: B+

March Madness

“People Who Get All Excited About College Basketball Are Crazy”

‘Nuff said.

***  HALFTIME
 
by Adam Finley
 
I believe it was Oswald Spengler who once said that the Super Bowl is the Rose Bowl of professional football, but no deceased German historian could even begin to describe the enthralling spectacle that was the halftime show of Super Bowl XXXVII, or what lays ahead for the human race now that we’ve discovered a way to travel back in time and transplant hit-makers like Janet Jackson, P. Puff Diddy Daddy, and Kid Rock into the present.

As I write this, the game is in its fourth quarter, but I’m not interested in the outcome of the game. I’ve never been a sports fan and while I know everyone else in America is glued to their set right now, I couldn’t care less about which team takes home the Stanley Cup. What I and many astrophysicists are interested in is how the secret of time travel has eluded them for centuries, but was somehow conquered by MTV and the NFL, neither of which have been known to show any interest in the wormhole theory as laid out by Professor Stephen Hawking in his book “A Brief History Of Time.”

As I understand it, this method of time travel would require some kind of spacecraft, and a wormhole in the space-time continuum that would allow the spacecraft to travel back in time, making several stops in order to corral the artists needed to make 2004 the best Super Bowl halftime show of 1998.
How Kid Rock and Puffy Diddy were transported is for anyone to surmise, but Janet Jackson was obviously fitted with a special time-traveling suit activated by a switch located just above her right breast. Justin Timberlake’s duty was to activate this switch, thus sending Janet back to her own time immediately after the show ended. Unfortunately, he only managed to expose her breast, leaving her with a look of frozen shock that could only mean, “Sweet Jesus, I should be traveling at the speed of light through a wormhole right now, not showing my breast to millions of people.”

Janet should not be ashamed however, because her breast will overshadow any implications of time travel made during halftime of Super Bowl XXXVIII. Already news is circulating that the breast-baring stunt was planned by MTV, but nary a word has been written about the fact that during the show Janet Jackson was bound and gagged in a motel room, watching herself perform on television. It’s a difficult situation to comprehend, unless we go back to 1975 and Super Bowl IX when a time-traveling stegosaurus impaled a referee and three Minnesota Marching Band trombone players on its spiked tail before being brought down by a twelve-story mechanoid from the year 3025 with a flamethrower built into its torso. It’s unsettling just how quickly we forget these seemingly unforgettable events, but it’s great news for the future of Super Bowl halftime entertainment, as well as for Limahl and the other members of Kajagoogoo, who should be pulling down Cyndi Lauper’s bra at next year’s game.

*** SECOND HALF
 
by Brian Lewandowski
 
Was that a boob? I had my head down and pretty much missed the much ballyhooed boob. Now I am so stunned that I am missing the first set of commercials leading into the second half of the Super Bowl. Comfortably I was enjoying the halftime. I had this cool joke about P-Diddy being dyslexic and calling him Diddy-P (I’ll wait for you to get the juvenile humor)… but damn, then came the boob. I think CBS did that so I wouldn’t watch the MoveON.org spot on CNN that the folks at the Conservative Broadcasting System refused to air. They also turned down one from PETA. I wonder if next year we will see a spot for the People for Ethical Treatment of Boobs.
Okay, let me try to get back on course…

SONY Vega Wega

“Paola? Payola? Palo? Pedro?”

Paola? Payola? Palo? Pedro loves Daddy… hey, was that a breast at halftime? I can’t concentrate still…. But I do know that the WegaVega home theatre is one ugly looking son-of-a-bitch. Grade: C (only because this one has been running since mid-season.)

Sierra Mist

“Cannonball”

A big-assed dude does a cannonball from a balcony into a pitcher of ice water at a restaurant. So does his dog. More importantly, I think the owner of the restaurant gives his waiter a signal about Janet Jackson’s boob. Grade: B

Some CBS Golfy Thing for Conservative White Men to Watch.

“CBS Broadcasts A Lot Of Golf”

Someone didn’t sell all their ad time! Someone didn’t sell all their ad time! I should have bought it to promote my book. I could have raised money like Howard Dean via the Internet. Grade: Incomplete

Bud Light

“Chimp”

See Brian living in an apartment with a chimp (Not to be confused with Dennis Miller). See Brian go to get his date a Bud Light. See the chimp talk dirty and try to put the moves on the date. This really is my life. I think this chimp hit on my wife once. I am pretty sure she slept with him. I have a hairy kid. Grade: B+

Staples

“Office Supplies”

Half a Danish. Half a folder. Just as promised. Brilliant attack on the Supply Nazis. Grade: A-
Monster

Monster tells us to “get ready for a job you love.” I am reviewing Super Bowl commercials and drinking Vodka. I love my job. Go away. Grade: C-

NFL Network

“Mr. Fantasy”

Hey Mr. Fantasy! Finally a song not redone by some cover group just for the ad. I need to remember to download that song illegally with out the help of Pepsi. The NFL Network is a whole network about Rich Eisen, right? Grade: B+ (for the song)

Letterman

“CBS Promotes Letterman”

I swear I should have really promoted my book in these CBS spots. Have you bought my book yet? Grade: Still Incomplete

Century City

“CBS Promotes Something Called Century City
I am going to write about CBS’ sales department and their ineptitude in my next book. By the way, my first book is called Slop and Swill from a Festering Mind. Grade: You’re fired!

New England Ford Dealers

“Ford F-150” (local spot)

Adam Vinatieri…. With his performance today these trucks must suck. He’s gonna have to hit the game winner for me to buy one of these. Grade: B (for irony)

Shields MRI

“Official MRI Of The Team You Are Watching” (local spot)
Official MRI of the New England Patriots! How does that happen? Lots of concussions? Well on the bright side, these local spots probably made it so we didn’t have to watch anymore CBS promos! Grade: Ummm?

Budweiser

“Lipstick”

Girl drops lipstick. Man drives fast to get it to her. It’s not hers. Why did he do this? Obviously, he shouldn’t have to as he’s got other chicks. Oh no. He’s a cross-dresser. Grade: B

Without a Trace

“CBS Ad Spot For Without A Trace

I bet at least 100,000 people would have bought my book by now. I bet I could have gotten a real discount on all this available ad time. Grade: Screw it. No more grades for these.

Honda Pilot

“Prances With Wolves”

Brought up by wolves. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. I can watch this spot over and over again. Sure, it’s an oldie but a goodie. I love when he pants out the car window. Grade: A

Master Card

“Homer Simpson”

I have to be honest with you. I am one of those folks who are over The Simpsons. and these type of Master Card “Priceless” spots. Grade: It was going to get a D but I gave it a C when Homer thinks the MC logo is donuts.

Budweiser

“Convenience Store”
Teen Girls don’t buy beer because of an Underage Warning sign? C’mon. The guy at the counter would let them slide… and then he would take them to the Motel 6 for some video-taping girl-on-girl action. Grade: C-

Truth.org

“Shards O’ Glass Freeze Pops”
What a darkly funny spot this was. I wonder if these cats could become “The Official Freeze Pops of the Patriots?” Everyone else seems to be the “Official” something… Grade: A-

Partnership for a Drug Free America

“Rewind”

Sobering. Life doesn’t rewind. Stop your kids and friends before they start doing drugs and alcohol. Ooo. That reminds me. Gotta refill my vodka… Grade: D (for depressing heavy handedness)

Survivor All-Stars

“CBS Promotes Survivor All-Stars

I could have gone to the Island and given these folks copies of my book! How come when Richard Hatch gets naked no one gets in an uproar over that? His naked body frightens me. Janet Jackson’s boob didn’t.

J.A.G.

“CBS Promotes…etc, etc”

Yawn. Wait… this is not the most watched anything. They still need people to watch J.A.G.. I will let them keep this spot. Grade: D

It’s the 2 minute warning. I am a wreck. I sloshed my vodka onto the cat while screaming at the game.

The Lady Killers

“Tom Hanks Is In This Movie?!”

“Tom Hanks loves booty!” What a great line. I love booty too! Here’s to you Tom (salutes with vodka)! Grade: B (It’s Tom Hanks… he once wore women clothes and liked it)

AOL Top Speed

“AOL Is Really Fast”

Can’t watch it. Will not watch. I do not like the AOL Top Speed Spot. Sam I Am! Green Eggs and Ham! Grade: Kindergarten (but held back twice)

Pepsi

“Jimi Doesn’t Buy An Accordian”

Now they are messing with Hendrix. Stop it! Stop It! Get the Ouija board and let’s channel Jimi onto these ad agency weasels’ asses! Grade: C+

Subway

“Ad For Subs”

I waited the whole game for a laugh-out-loud ad and this was it! Subway apologizes for its “But I had Subway” ads. The “Sorry, Wang Chung! No reunion Tour” slayed me. Grade: A+ (not sure if was the funniest or the vodka kicked in or that the Pats won!)

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