Rambling Dictation

by Brian Lewandowski

Well, this issue I was going to give you the usual rambling and ravings that are my bread and buttah, but I got sidetracked. I instead bought a new computer with one of those voice recognition packages on it. Wow! Was I excited. Here was my chance to finally free myself from the keyboard that I normally finger-danced across like a crippled, one-eyed, deaf ballerina. Now I could kick back with a cold one and speak freely while my little servant class machine did the dictation. It was like having my own secretary except I wouldn’t be able to bang her on the side. So I fired it up and began what I thought would be this week’s ramblings: “So my wife woke up angry with me this morning..” And this is what I got:

“so Multi folk of angry with me this morning”
Was I speaking like a newly arrived cabbie? What was going on? I tried again and asked “There’s nothing but malarkey on my screen. This doesn’t seem to be worth the trouble does it?.”

“His mother crashed my screen existing on my pants. John 3: 14. Is this is the electoral that?”
It became laughable. So I began to tease my would be “secretary.”

“You sure aren’t bright. Are you new to the steno pool? You have mighty nice hooters.”

The computer wrote back. “You are a dumb ass. Do you speak any English, you idiot? Love your super, giant melons.”
My turn. “Hey baby. I really would like to see what makes you tick. Let me take a peak at your hard drive.”

“80. Oninisumacky. The city take a peek and sees my cute little panties. Word to your mother!”
This was like hanging out with a Thai whore. “Oooo, it doesn’t look like you will go far with this dictation thing. What do you say we forget about this little incident today and go have a cocktail or ten. Then we can see what transpires back at your place.”

“Womb doesn’t like you to go fly with his detention name. What is it-you say forget about abuse losing today in and go get a swerve on. Then we can see which inspires banjo in your bedroom.”
Wow. Maybe I was going somewhere. Maybe this computer dictation thing really liked me.

“Do you like me?”

“No. It’s gonna cost you. Hundred dollar. Just like downtown big boy.”


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